If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
