remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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