why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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