Fine. I'll sleep in my office
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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