I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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