He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
