1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
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