grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize