dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
