I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
