$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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