I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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