remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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