She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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