I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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