Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
