dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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