My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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