If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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