Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
