Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
