She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
