ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Randomize
