I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
