I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
