the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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