I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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