the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
