I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
