If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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