He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
