why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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