Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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