My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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