Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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