I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
