i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
