I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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