I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
