i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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