If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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