We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
