I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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