Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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