so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
