we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
COCAINE IS GR8
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
