A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
