I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
