a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
