see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My balls are so social today.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
