Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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