So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
