Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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