She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
