im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
