normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
