turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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