I think I won the penis lottery.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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