In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
That's intense
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
