dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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