i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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