So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
