If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
