So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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