Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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